Monthly Archives: September 2014

Pokemon Black Chapter 1: New Region, Same Bullshit

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PART 01 – WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

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Hello, Professor Oak v5.0~

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The female design appears to have been stolen from The World Ends With You.

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Sure, let’s go with that.

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This is the dumbest sentence that has ever been said by anyone ever.

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For suggesting that Bianca has potential, I sentence you to fifty-one seconds of TRUMPETS.

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Wait, what? Where are we now then?!

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.

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It begins.

PART 02 – THIS IS MY HOUSE, AND I LIVE IN IT

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How are you doing that with your mouth.

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There is literally no reason for Professor Oak v5.0 to send the Pokemon to my house, only to give me the Pokedex at the lab anyway. We live in the same town, it’s a five second walk, just give us the Pokemon at the lab!

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Bianca has no idea what pronouns are, a side-effect of the Pokemon world’s disturbing lack of educational institutions.

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Time to pick my first slave partner!

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Fuck yes.

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Or, let’s… not.

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This has never been an issue before, nor will it ever be again.

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Fine.

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GROW MORE PIXELS

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Hypocrite.

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I AM THE WORLD’S GREATEST POKEMON TRAINER.

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Just wait ’till I start taking money from toddlers.

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“That was some wild sex!”

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“SHIT, YOU’RE STILL HERE?!”

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“Wild sex? What are you talking about?”

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*facepalm* “Great excuse, Bianca.”

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“It’s okay, I have some towels around here somewhere…”

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“Fine. Bianca, you go find the towels while I beat up this nerd and take his money.”

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Oh hey, a NERD. Time to BEAT HIM UP and TAKE HIS MONEY.

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Less talking. More me beating you up (and taking your money).

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Uh oh.

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So close… ;_;

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Beating people up and taking their money activates Cheren’s nerd testosterone.

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“No, I’ll do it! Uh, where are the towels?!”

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You’re going to pay for this, you git.

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A device co-developed by a crossdresser and a transexual.

PART 03: PALLET TOWN V5.0

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So, this is Nuvema Town.

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There are Mega Stones in the water! Quick, get them out!

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Before I go to the lab, I have to go to Bianca’s house. And fuck her.

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“Too late sir, we already did it.”
(And that is the last joke I do on that topic, I swear.)

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Why am I supposed to side with the idiots in this game.

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Really? That sounds stupidly dangerous.

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Note: The time of day will change without warning, all the time. I’m working on this whenever I feel like it.

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Researching how to ruin great names with shit characters.

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Arceus, Mew, the past. Done.

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…Really? You just gave three kids a Pokemon each, and you think it’s unusual that they battled?

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Pffft, sentimentality.

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…Of course you do.

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No thanks, I’d rathe-

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God. Dammit. Bianca.

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I agree. No was the best possible answer.

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Can I go home now?

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Oh god I can’t stop applying sexual connotations to the things she says. I’m so sorry everyone.

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“She said I have to defeat Team Plasma and become the Champio- Oh shit, spoilers! Sorry!”

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What? A Level 5 grass type? What if there’s a wild Talonflame?

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And with that, Dominic took the first step of his epic journey into the Pokemon world. Many mysteries await – Who was that green haired twat in the intro? What was that mysterious Pokemon on the title screen? How generic will the villains be, and how will we inevitably end up saving the world? And how exactly does one “catch a Pokemon”? Tune in next week whenever to find out!

Introducing… Let’s Play Pokemon Black!

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Welcome… to an epic quest of discovery.

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A quest to not be bored out of my skull by the second gym.

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A quest to tolerate N’s ridiculous hair and the terrible 3D graphics.

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A quest to not bang my head on a wall whenever I see Woobat’s abysmal design.

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A quest to begrudgingly give credit where it’s due. (This music is really awesome.)

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A quest to call N a twat at every available opportunity, and to generally be as cynical as humanly possible.

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Wait. You mean to tell me this game has HOPES?!

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And DREAMS?!?!

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And DISCOVERIE- oh my lord I am fucking sold.

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Okay, jokes aside.

This is gonna be awesome.